he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
