Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
