I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
