Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
