I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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