i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
