1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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