New invention idea: vibrating tampons
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
