my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
