seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
