I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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