he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So much rum. So many feels.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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