i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
