i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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