I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I cut my penus on the lid.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
