I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
