I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
