When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
