The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
