I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
