There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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