Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
