All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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