My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
