Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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