you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
