You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
