WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
