Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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