that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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