I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
