you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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