You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
