her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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