So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you didnt know i had herpes?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
All the doctor said was why
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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