come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
