there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
