Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
