i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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