i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
