nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Randomize
