This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
