I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
