sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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