my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Randomize
