We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
