put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Two words: nipple clamps
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