I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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