Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
