I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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