I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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