Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
