The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
