Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
