i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
organizing the empties. That sober.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
